I’m still getting used to Facebook. The ability to reconnect with everybody you’ve ever met in your entire life is both remarkable and frightening. The life-affirming, kumbaya side of me finds it exciting to catch up with people you liked but lost track of through life’s vicissitudes, or even to apologize to people you once wronged and still feel guilty about hurting. There are many people who have reappeared in my life—at least virtually—who give me warm feelings and make me smile. It’s gratifying to know that friends and acquaintances are doing well.

But there’s a reason you haven’t been in touch with the other people….life’s too short. The really cynical side of me says Facebook’s a stalker’s paradise, a way to sidestep restraining orders and caller ID blocking.

…which made me think about a new social networking idea: Assbook.

I’m sure there’s a porn site that’s already glommed onto this name, but my idea doesn’t go down that path. Assbook is a social network site connecting everyone you’ve had the misfortune to know at some point in your life and thought, “what an asshole!”

“Here’s a list of assholes you might know… Look, 74 other people think he’s an asshole, too!”

You don’t sign yourself up, of course. You sign up other people. Instead of friend requests, you have “asshole designations” so you can post the names of every shithead, douche-bag, jerk-off who ever… stole your toys, wrecked your sandcastle, spit at you, spited you, smiled at you then badmouthed you when you weren’t around, snapped you with a towel in the locker room, told you that you weren’t good enough, put you down in front of your friends, cut you off on the freeway and then gave you the finger for honking, didn’t hold the door for you in a downpour when your hands were full carrying their stuff, took credit for something you did well that they had nothing to do with, blamed you for something they did wrong and you had nothing to do with, promised you a raise then didn’t recommend you for a promotion, gave you bad investment advice, or told you they loved you then never called again.

Let’s see what this asshole’s doing right now…

Oh look, he’s writing all over your wall…the 21^st century version of spray-painting your locker in 10th grade.

Personal interests: bullying, belittling, berating, beguiling, being priggish, prickish and punkish.

Of course Assbook members love the “poke someone” feature. It’s something they’ve been doing to people’s chests or between people’s eyes all their life. They also love being able to electronically pull people’s hair, bite them, push them down in the sandbox, give them a wedgie or a swirly, steal their boyfriend or girlfriend (or both), start a nasty rumor, post pictures of them doing untoward things the Assbook member should be trusted not to post…all with the simple push of a button.

Instead of plain old “tagging,” there’s “antag-ing,” where they antagonize others by tagging them every few minutes with all kinds of stupid shit to clutter up their Assbook page. It’s a lot like Facebook in that way.

Go ahead and leave a comment like, “I see you’re still an asshole. In this topsy-turvy world, it’s good to know some things never change.”