I’m hesitant to mock the advertising for any product because someone I know may have worked on it…

But he who hesitates is lost, so I’m going to lay into the Quicken Loans ads.

“Engineered to amaze” may be one of the stupidest taglines I’ve heard. Loans are not engineered—not literally, not even metaphorically. And they certainly aren’t amazing. (Wow, that mound of paperwork looks amazing. Have you been working out? It looks like you’ve lost a few reams.)

Having to sign only one document… No closing costs… Property tax prepaid by the lender for the life of the loan… Not putting me on the mailing list with affiliated partners trying to sell me all kinds of stuff I don’t need… Providing a butler with every home purchase… Free maintenance and home improvements forever… I can pay the principal back if I feel like it… You pay ME the interest… At a rate with a number greater than zero before the decimal point…

Now that’s the kind of loan that would be engineered to amaze.